In my last entry I wrote about not liking my own writing anymore.. which is why I’ve changed my mind about this next piece countless times. It’s actually been 1 1/2 years since I wrote it, yet I’ve never shared it with anyone, but I feel it very much describes where I am at right now in some ways.. and in other ways it’s not me..
anyway.. i’m going to post it, but i might change my mind and take it away again.
The Path is laid out there before me,
pleading me to take the lead.
I was not born a leader,
It is something I could never be.
I am terrfied of what lies ahead,
yet not ready to find out.
So many questions still unanswered,
I do not like where this is heading,
but I don’t know if I can stop,
it is hard to take control
when I feel it’s out of reach..
Maybe if I just let it keep moving,
I can tag along..
a free ride.
Yet, there’s a worry I cannot shake,
and it might just tear me apart.
I don’t think I can play the part
that everyone expects of me,
more scared of letting everyone else down,
myself I’m not important.
A path I don’t want to follow,
but it might just be too late,
to change directions, head towards a better place,
or maybe just another way.
I am not asking to be perfect,
I am not asking to be reborn,
All I want is to belong somewhere.
Without a sense of place,
I wander aimlessly around,
heading towards a nowhere,
what happens if I’m not seen,
in time to be corrected and led back to that path
that once pleaded me to take the lead,
yet I refused to be so weak.
I want to make my own decisions,
stand strong and on my own,
but I need someone beside me to tell me it’s ok
to be unsure of where we are heading,
that some roads we don’t have to go.
It is scary sometimes for everyone,
I know i’m not alone,
yet i still feel like I’m loosing track of who I want to be.
I pretend that it is ok,
that I’m who I always was.
The person I am becoming is not someone I know.
But I know that I am needed,
for bigger things than my own,
and it is what keeps me going,
every single time I want to give up.
Because if I can matter,
just a tiny bit for someone else,
then it is really worth just going
down the pleading path,
but I can never be that leader,
I can never play that part.
All I know is someday,
I might find myself and then it will all
fall back into place.